last night was really good. i saw almost every single one of my iowa-friends. i was getting really jet-lagged finally, in the delirium stage of exhaustion, so i don't know what we talked about, but it was really nice. i was a very good girl and consumed exactly one-half of a gin-and-tonic. then i had a hazelnut hot chocolate.

problem which is not really a problem: two of the people i am really drawn to were there. and one of them has undergone a complete physical transformation. i always liked her for who she is, but goddamn it, she's gotten all pretty and shit. and was being really touchy-feely, which is NOT who she used to be. she's the cynical nasty bristly type. oh well. at least the guy i am drawn to looks the same, which is furry and adorable. but i thought about it a lot on the drive home, and i realized that it's really okay to be drawn to people. because these people will never hold the same...gravity, the same passion, that K and i have. and it's fine.

something else important i realized yesterday: i have always thought these problems, my self-destructive tendencies, were related to me being sad. but i read an article that suggested it's really all about anger. i have, apparently, buried my anger so deep that i have no clue what i might be angry about. but next time i feel like cutting or drinking too much or driving like an idiot, just because i'm depressed and sad, i'm going to look at the situation and try to figure out if i'm actually angry about something instead. i think it's a good starting point. i am here, home, to heal. i have to, or else i will fuck up my relationship and my schooling and my life.