K had been missing since i posted last. gone for two weeks and no one knew where he had gone. i was tremendously worried, couldn't talk to my mom about it, and all i had was assorted pieces of third-hand transatlantic gossip. now he is back, from the place where he was, and he has news that will change his life forever. so. i guess he has given me an option, if i read the letter and our phone conversation correctly. the option to leave him with his full understanding of why. except, here's the thing, the reasons he has in mind wouldn't even be my actual reasons. he very rarely understands why i am upset about something. he has a real problem with listening. well, with communication in general.

i don't know what to do. i am unhappy with the relationship. but i love him. yet somehow loving him isn't enough to fix our relationship, or something. i haven't seen him since may. how the hell does he expect me to deal with that? what the fuck makes him so goddamned lazy that he can't come visit me here? i can't go there. i can't get a visa. i have no money anyway. bastard. fucking bastard. and taking off for two weeks and not telling me? i was so worried. so so worried.

to make matters more complicated, in my desparate search to find out what the hell was going on, i ended up calling frank. frank is the man who was friends with K and with me and who told me quite honestly that he wanted me. which i didn't take seriously, because who the hell is that honest? well, there was an incident with me and frank eventually. it nearly destroyed my relationship with K. i felt so guilty that i ended up putting myself in hospital with all that emotion. so, over a year later, K and frank are buddies again, i guess, although i have made a point of barely communicating...but i didn't know who else i could call. so. now i am getting emails from frank asking me to come back and...um...i guess stay with him. jesus. why is there no middle ground between NOTHING going on here at home and all-hell-constantly-breaking-loose over there?

what else has been going on....let's see.....

i have heard nothing about any of the jobs i've applied to.

my cousin who is a human rights activist, currently serving in baghdad, gave the sermon and a talk at my church yesterday. she really pissed off some blind patriots, but she really made other people stop and think. i hope people can see the difference between a pride in our freedom and a blind belief that everything we do is good. i mean, what a stupid concept. someone was born on the same land mass as you and therefore he is right? and will do right things? anyway, her sermon on the beatitudes was great. you've got to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable. after that, a big family dinner at my house. the pastor and his wife came over. thank god they are totally non-judgmental and laidback people, because they were stuck at the same table as my loud, shrill, vulgar cousin who monopolizes every conversation in a 10-foot radius. i tried my best to get other people talking, but she just talks over them. anyway. despite her bad habits, the rest of the afternoon was enjoyable. i played horsie and my four-yr-old niece was the jockey.

last night mike and BJ came over. we smoked (first time in a couple months for me) and watched cartoon network and a fantastic film, the boondock saints.

tonight i gave a 15-min. presentation on the university of oxford for my old-lady-sorority. one of them told me i was charming, which is nice to hear every now and then. and there was chocolate amaretto cheesecake. yum.

now i will watch TV and sleep.