i guess i'm as much of a fuckup here as i am anywhere.

i don't know why i sometimes go off the deep end and push boundaries and take risks. i don't know why i do it but i wish i didn't, and i wish people didn't think it was representative of me.

i feel really homesick today. and very, very lonely. i could have gone clubbing last night with nate but i didn't want to spend the time and money and i definitely knew i shouldn't go out drinking so i stayed home and watched movies about people who fall in love. last night those movies charmed me but today i am just angry that i can't be with J. i am angry that i showed my weakness to other people. i am just pissed off in general, i guess. and i got a haircut that may or may not be good and today i feel positively ugly.

maybe if i spend today productively i can eradicate those bad feelings. i kind of want to just go back to bed though. for a couple of days.

good things that happened yesterday, though: i spent the night at clint's and ate at IHOP twice. ran into three girls from kenyon there! talked to sylvia on the phone for an hour. navigated the bus system with no problems thanks to last fall's sojourn in downtown chicago. got my internet, phone, newspaper subscription, and video rental card all lined up.