life right now is neither fun nor productive nor enjoyable. i think i should get a swift kick in the ass for being disappointed that life is neither fun nor etc., but it might break me.

how can so much shit happen to me? i don't understand. and i don't understand why i haven't broken down yet.

i need someone to hold me. i need K here with me. i have to confess that i actually had incredibly violent impulses towards the fucking bureaucrats (i.e. immigration officers) who are keeping me from going to him. incredibly strong urges to scream and punch and bite and pull hair. instead i comfort myself by wishing them as much pain, loneliness, anxiety, monetary loss, and sheer inconvenience as they have caused me.

and i know that j&d are probably getting really fucking tired of me sitting on their couch. so okay. for the first time in my admittedly privleged life i have to figure it out all on my own. how to find a place to live in a strange city, and how i'm going to pay for it all. and then i guess i'll have a little room of my own, where i can cry and drink and pray that someday this will all be a nice story about how i made the best out of a really fucked-up situation.