sometimes i miss kenyon so much i can't even breathe. and i beat my chest and say people's names over and over.

anyway.

i am trying not to be so substance-dependent, but that's boring. i still love my job but i am getting bored here and i would like to get out of town. i'm thinking about chicago, this go-round, but i have to find an appropriate time and appropriate amounts of money.

my sentencing (OWI) is next week. on my mom's birthday. fantastic. i'm having a telephone hearing with the DOT the week after that, to see if i can get a work permit, since people's lives might depend (conceivably) on me doing my job (and doing it well).

i am getting really good at talking to the nursing home residents. most of them are so lovely. i wish i weren't quite as shy as i am, but the thing i always try to keep in mind is that most of them are desperately lonely. and the usual fears i have about conversing with people simply aren't applicable. come on, is a resident seriously going to deem me "uncool?" no. so even if they aren't very responsive, due to demetia/alzheimer's or whatever, i have to try anyway.

i miss K. so much. so so so fucking much. it makes my chest cave in. just like kenyon. and yet and yet and yet. will he ever really understand me? probably not. i am lost, again, but at least i am okay. i am alive and happy with my work and i don't think the other hours of the day matter quite so much. and i even started working on applications again. keep all of your extremities crossed.

jesus christ i need a chiropractor. my back is in like ten million spasms without my nightly dose of vitamin THC.