a major life-shift and i can't even seem to grasp it.

i guess K and i decided i can see other people while i'm home. he seems okay with it. i haven't told andy yet.

friday night andy and i got together. the party was insane--a monsoon and tornado warnings and fights and drunkenness--and we finally admitted we were drawn to each other, and i was so upset, but K is, unbelievably, supportive of me dating. i think. we need to talk more, i think. not that andy would be the only one, because there is nurse jim........

andy called me twice on saturday. i called him sunday night and tonight. tomorrow is the first day we'll be at work together since all this has happened. i am nervous. he wanted to know what i was going to do with my "dilemma," as he called it, and he was really chill. we can talk for hours about nothing.

tonight i saw people playing chess on the sidewalk in a small town. it was nice. but then it got too redneck for me, with angel riding a little kid's bike and screaming "faggot" at the top of her lungs. on main street. at 10 pm. the second she brought out that word, i told her it was time for me to go home, and i took her home. then i...meant to go home. but i went to my secret spot, my country nook amongst some trees and hills, and....well, sat on my car and drank cheap beer. just a little. and i listened to "the river," which is this soft-guitar-rock station andy and i are obsessed with. then...well...i decided to go back to town. just to see what was going on. i ended up having an amazing time in this guy's apartment, just chilling with these teenage girls i'd previously discounted. but when i think about it, all they need is a little guidance. they have amazing feminist potential...they just need a little push. and a little less beer.

the four-man mushroom made an appearance again tonight.

the four girls and i laughed for....god knows....minutes. everything was fantastic. but we needed fresh air, so we went for a drive in the country. i really opened up to them, which feels a little creepy now, but one of my goals for this summer is to stop being so fucking self-conscious about everything. lately i think i have been more confident than usual: telling K what i wanted to do, flirting with nurse jim, talking to the nursing home residents more...lots of things. i am even much more comfortable on the days when i am head cook, and responsible for everything in the kitchen.

hmmm. so it's late. and i should eat or go to bed or something. ta.