i did give in....gave in to reason and convenience and most of all to the utter concern that so many people had for my health and safety. i'm back on the farm. back home.

my plan: to find a LOT of things for which to apply. and then to apply for them. because looking back i see that i only ever apply for one thing at a time, whether job or school or other program, and then i am utterly crushed if i don't succeed. i need to stop worrying about some alleged politeness and just get things going in my life, which has been on hold for a year now. that will fill up the next two months. t-giving and christmas and a vacation with my parents and lots of applying to things. yes.

have been in touch with bryon today and i realise again, still, how very lucky i was to find him. i feel bad because now he admits that his wife feels a bit threatened by me, but we hope to resolve that by a dinner/drinking party soon. i'm sure i will like her a lot. and i can't wait to see his kids. and i can't wait just to sit around and eat and drink with people. good times.

question for you all: do you use email more as a conversation, or more as a letter? that is, do you volley short replies or type up big replies? i am currently engaged in a rather painful but needful email conversation with someone from my past, and i lambasted him for his dumb, unrevealing three-line responses to my emotional purgings of well over a page, and he says that's just how he does things. to which i say, bullshit. if he wanted me to "talk" all that much, enough to send many emails encouraging me to talk, then the least he could do is respond in kind when i pour out my heart to him about the problems we've had. yes? no? i don't know.