i said yes. i am going to paris, to meet frank, and we are going to spend four days together. eating, drinking, looking at art, and...well....i know what he wants to spend most of his time doing. and i'm not having it. but it will be so amazing to have a warm body beside me for the first time in a year. i could cry just thinking about it, the comfort of it.

you are asking yourself right now, "has she gone crazy?" yes, i have! there's nothing quite like spending two years loving and being loved by a man WHO IS A TOTAL FRAUD. everything i ever wrote about K in here was a lie. i didn't lie. he did.

everything he said to me, he said to a lady i'll call tiger. she's a nice lady. i thought i might hate anyone who stepped in between me and K, but she is a wonderful person and she's been as deceived as i have been. and she's my newest reader here at the old blogspot. so, the two of us have spent a good portion of the weekend comparing notes. wow. wow. and more wow. i didn't think i could hate with such a cold hate, but i do. i can't even be all that hurt or all that angry about what he did to me. i just despise him. and pity him, because he must have a psychological disorder far worse than i ever imagined in my odd moments of frustration.

what would it take for you to deceive someone? every day? in every way? to lie, with passion and purity, when they confronted you about the inconsistencies? to say identical things to two different people and expect they would both buy into it? what would it take for you to actually encourage someone to drink when she has a drinking problem; to feel alone and outraged when you know she has the habit of cutting herself? K is the worst thing that's happened to me yet, and he pretended to be saving me from all those bad things..... wow. hatred. cold and simple.

anyway, another big surprise is that the substance abuse meetings i'm required by law to attend are really good for me. not only good for me, but i like the people i meet there, a lot. and i am coming out. i really am. i am getting more assertive every day. and soon there will be no messing with me. not ever.