for the first time since my sophomore year of college i'm not observing passover. i haven't been to a seder for three years now, and maybe the loneliness or the isolation gets to me, or maybe i'm just feeling totally removed from religious life at the moment. i also didn't go to church last night, or tonight, although my parents are there. i agreed to go to vigil tonight with my mom--just the two of us, for half an hour, alone in the sanctuary in the dark. i wonder what i'll pray for.

usually i pray for god to give me more motivation to do things myself. i'm not a big believer in praying for things to be given to me. i pray for strength, courage, humility, forgiveness, those kinds of things. i pray for me to be given the tools and the grace to do things myself, because that's what i believe prayer is for. the only selfish, deus-ex-machina prayers i pray are for protection for my home and my family and my loved ones, because safety is something i have little or no control over. floods and fires scare me. farm accidents scare me. travel, safe as it usually is, can frighten me quite a lot, given recent events and the always-present possibility of mechanical failure. but usually i just pray that i can have the courage and grace to make a better life for myself and those i love.

i went to chicago last weekend to check out the program that accepted me. it was a really nice weekend. mom and i drove over there. i slept for most of it. i hate falling asleep because i should be her eyes, but sometimes sleep overpowers me. friday i went to the uni and heard brief talks from profs, asked some questions, met people....very nice. i think i like the program a lot. and to be honest, i only applied to two schools and the other one would probably be bad for my mental health, so....

went to a little reception they had. tons of premium beer and liquor and wine. thai food catered in. lots of fun people to talk to. it was a good time and i got rather drunk, but not to an embarassing extent. one of my fellow students from my program in the UK was there, so there was shrieking and hugging and reminiscing. later, she and i and some people i didn't know very well went for pizza/burgers at the medici (hyde park institution) and we ended up sitting in the same booth as we did on that fateful classics department trip to chicago a few years ago, my junior year in college, when we deduced that a certain student and a certain professor were definitely.....um....getting it on? ah, memories.

went over to dave and jen's, chatted. back to the motel, slept.

saturday noon my mom, dave, jen, and i had a perfectly lovely lunch in greektown. my mom pointed out to me, in the car, that dave and jen really love me. and i know it's true. it's good to feel that way. and i think mom really enjoyed seeing how i interact with my friends, although i toned it down a bit for her benefit. it was all very nice.

we drove home then, going through absolutely gorgeous galena, IL on the way. wow.

so. a good weekend. and i probably have a job cooking in another nursing home. not my top choice, but it's taken two months to get this close and i can't afford to be picky.

must go make my (yeasted, totally not kosher for passover) mushroom tart now. and asparagus, and white wine. yay.