liking my job better.

still phoning with frank. he is wonderful. yet far too honest. how do i deal with not being the center of everyone's life?

it's called the "king baby" syndrome, or so i've heard--this ridiculous combination of beliefs i hold. i can somehow simultaneously believe that i am the most worthless person on earth and that i am the most important person on earth. that's why i get so upset when i don't get what i want. it only reinforces my belief that i am basically a piece of shit on the sidewalk. if i could only somehow grasp that i am simultaneously worthwhile and NOT the center of anyone's life but my own.......

anyway. still no fucking driver's license. paperwork beyond my control. i've done my part again and again. i've been nickel and dimed by all different authorities. i've hardly been anywhere on my own for seven months. i am near some kind of breaking point, i think.

last summer, when i began the summer, and during the summer, and at the end of the summer, i thought it was far too long. i thought i couldn't bear to be home any longer. and yeat here i am, locked in until september. god save me, because i can't afford to go off the rails again. yet, knowing me, that's probably what i'll do.

i miss K. and i hate K. and i am beginning to be able to separate those two feelings, which is good. but i want my things back. my greek and hebrew books, family photos, clothes, computer gear...all the things i left with him thinking i would be back in six months.

my life is smeared across the globe like a bug on a windshield and i can't even begin to remember half the things i own or where they are.

i miss my life in the UK. i miss my life last long long summer with cars and boys and working close to home.

too much too much. i should sleep for days. and it still wouldn't accomplish a thing.

shut up and work. that's all i can do. at least i like working. there's a meditative quality to it. when i realize i've been washing vinyl placemats for fifteen minutes and haven't thought a thing.....yeah. that's zen, maybe.