sometimes i miss kenyon so much i can't even breathe. and i beat my chest and say people's names over and over.

anyway.

i am trying not to be so substance-dependent, but that's boring. i still love my job but i am getting bored here and i would like to get out of town. i'm thinking about chicago, this go-round, but i have to find an appropriate time and appropriate amounts of money.

my sentencing (OWI) is next week. on my mom's birthday. fantastic. i'm having a telephone hearing with the DOT the week after that, to see if i can get a work permit, since people's lives might depend (conceivably) on me doing my job (and doing it well).

i am getting really good at talking to the nursing home residents. most of them are so lovely. i wish i weren't quite as shy as i am, but the thing i always try to keep in mind is that most of them are desperately lonely. and the usual fears i have about conversing with people simply aren't applicable. come on, is a resident seriously going to deem me "uncool?" no. so even if they aren't very responsive, due to demetia/alzheimer's or whatever, i have to try anyway.

i miss K. so much. so so so fucking much. it makes my chest cave in. just like kenyon. and yet and yet and yet. will he ever really understand me? probably not. i am lost, again, but at least i am okay. i am alive and happy with my work and i don't think the other hours of the day matter quite so much. and i even started working on applications again. keep all of your extremities crossed.

jesus christ i need a chiropractor. my back is in like ten million spasms without my nightly dose of vitamin THC.

luka is nice, but it's john carter that makes my heart go pitter-pat. mmmmm. carter.

pratt's not bad either, now that i think about it...

some loyal readers may remember the time when i did an on-the-spot wine tasting. the vintage was....well, probably non-vintage, as the wine was a gallo "red" of some variety, and as i recall, it had a not unpleasant metallic tang.

anyway, here is my on-the-spot beer tasting. the beer has no name as far as i'm aware, for it was handcrafted by my friend bryon and gifted to me on my recent birthday. he left it at the wrong house, but it got to me anyway. so here goes:

nose: very chocolatey. i think of guinness.
oh, fuck me. i just got it up my nose.
it is very chocolatey once inside the nose as well.

taste: starts tangy yet dark. finishes rich. possibly an oatmeal stout? it is seriously black, a real guinness-black, yet without the cloying sweetness of many stouts. it could have more heft, but i would say this is a dangerously drinkable stout. i would be curious to know whether the ABV% matches the light body or the dark colour, as the taste could certainly indicate either extreme.

so. i had a birthday party. i expected 10-15 guests. i got four. i would have been upset about this at a previous time in my life, but now i just think, "oh well." i mean, i am disappointed that so few people showed up, yet i realize that it was at late notice, at a distant location, and a lot of people are out of town. and anyway, i've got to stay quiet for a while. my parents still don't trust me again after my recent OWI.

so those of you who wondered what i'd been arrested for know now. i was caught driving drunk, and i don't remember a lot of the circumstances, but feel assured that i am paying for this in both financial and spiritual terms. it's why i've been so depressed lately. but honestly, it hasn't really sunk in yet. as in i haven't changed. i need to be kicked in the ass, and i just can't make myself do it. all i'm doing is escaping and/or wallowing.

i know that it will soon be time for me to return to england. i haven't made any plans or any arrangements at all, yet i can see that i am getting mired in here, that i am choosing not to remember what i'm supposed to be doing. i want to have it all in my second adolescence, but i have to remember that this isn't fucking dawson's creek here, that i have a loving mate to return to, and that i need to continue my education and/or my training so that i can do something besides cook in a nursing home, as much fun as i do have at work.

long sentences. fun.

andy is wonderful. his cousin matt is a jackass sometimes. andy sometimes picks up on the jackass thing. andy was cool with my other friends coming to my house for my party, but apparently matt had a problem with my friend being gay. which means matt is on my shit list. but andy picking up on matt's behaviour means that my older friends now think that both andy and matt are immature. andy is so thoughtful, so beyond his years in some ways, and i hope other people besides me notice it. he has, on several occasions, off-handedly made a comment that proved piercing to me, comments that were direct and deliberate. he has given me things to think about that other people have not. i know he's going to blossom in college...i wish i could be there to supervise it, but i know that i'm just holding on to things that used to be. i used to have a job where i could mentor kids at this fragile age, and i always felt guilty for being attracted to them. now i have a sort-of-physical relationship with a boy at this fragile age, and i feel guilty for wanting to mentor him. what a reversal.

what else. let's see. my obsessions for the summer are: tanning (outside, not that bed/booth shite), watching ER, work, driving, flirting with people at work and...umm...i need more interests.