i can't believe i'm doing it again.

i pack away envelopes of important papers, books i want to read and understand, photos of friends, items to be scrapbooked. non-perishable food i never consumed while at kenyon. shoe polish, desk supplies, tons of notebooks, trinkets and candies and perfume samples and everything with a memory, or at least amusement value.

and every time i come home, i say i will sort through it.

and this time was no exception. but the first time i really looked at any of it was an hour ago, and i've just emerged from the maze, feeling overwhelmed by wistful nostalgia....angry at myself for always procrastinating, never really organizing anything, never following through on a goddamned thing. i want to have all of it. i want to remember that i have all of it! so that i could maybe use it or something!

and now, NOW i am feeling pissed off that i thought i was going back to join K for maybe the rest of my life or something, and he wants me to go away for a while just as my greek class would be starting and i would be making money at work. and this shit is so upsetting and i am upset all the time because i don't have a fucking clue what's going on with anything. the end.

but wait, he's being really nice to me over instant messenger, so we'll see....

a health-awareness billboard i saw on the way home today has a slogan that makes, well, not so much of an impact on me. here it is, the big slogan: "no place is sacred. asthma."

wow, like, yeah, man. no place is sacred! asthma! dude!

anyway. pleasant evening last night cooking for an audience of my little ames gayboys. plus matty_n, my favorite person in ames. well, one of my top five people in ames anyway. he gave me a glass of tuaca after our fine italian meal. italian liqueur and upmarket cigarettes, yay.

right now i just woke up from a two-hour nap. i had really insane dreams. one of them was that a big strong waiter from some non-specific foreign country was standing behind me--i was seated--holding my arms behind my back and pushing my face into a table. i woke up and was sleeping on my arm all wrong and drooling into the pillow. hmmm. then we had one where i was trying to escape from someone and ended up in this bathroom, all pink and green and 50s and rather reminiscent of "psycho." thank god jennylee called before that one developed any further.

jennylee is an amazing girl i hung out with last summer, and i tried to find her this time around, but i just now succeeded! and she is cool.

last day picking tomatoes this morning. it was good fun. now i am a sorter as well, and make twice as much money, and it's always interesting. we get 45 minutes in between picking and sorting, so i had breakfast in the park. sun-dappled.

am thrilled and terrified to go back to england and back to K.

um what else. oh god my brain is still asleep. i have a lot of other things, maybe later though.

http://www.phunky.com

i am going to die.

i wonder when.

1. i am picking tomatoes again. for the next one-and-a-half weeks. need some cash before going back to england.
2. i get hungover much more easily than i used to. am i getting old?
3. i also think i'm getting a wrinkle. or two. panic.
4. last night some guy at thumbs wanted to take me out back to "talk." which we actually did. talk, i mean, nothing else. sitting on his tailgate, of all things. it was weird. he's nice but he was just a little too.....yeah. he didn't understand that i actually *am* that loyal to K.
5. also last night i saw: a girl from my high school (not bad) and two of my former campers, one of whom used to dominate my life to an amazing extent.
6. i like hanging out with allen; he is a nice boy. also, this sid person seems nice.
7. i need to organize my life. i woke up in the kind of mood where i could easily cry, but i don't know what i'd be crying about.
8. i forgot to mention that about a week ago, i went to the iowa state fair. i was 10 feet from our marvellously simian president george w. bush. but he was inside a limo so i didn't really see him. i mean, he was in one of two limos, surrounded by many many law enforcement officers and an ambulance etc. and i was inside a bus. but the bus was only 10 feet from the motorcade. so, wow.

okay, i'll admit it: i have tried inserting a link to my guestbook several places in the fancy-shmancy blogger script, and haven't gotten it right yet! which is why, for the moment, i have taken madame x's wish away from her, like the grinch stealing christmas, like those people who rob convenience stores and even take the peanut tin with a slot cut in the top and a picture of a sick baby on it.

what am i talking about?

last night i went over to the 'drome. about 20 people showed up--i didn't know all of them, and some of them were really hysterical (how did two sorority chicks end up at our party of pretty boys and the people who hang out with them?), but i saw some people i haven't seen in a while. a good night. didn't stay as long as i would have liked, but my mom was still a little freaked out by all my late nights. hey. i still live at home. good for me, huh? anyway. i like living here, except that it's twenty miles away from friends and drunken good times.

time to start thinking about getting back to england.

madame x, your wish is my command. can't believe i never made any improvements once i got this new blog set up. gosh, must have been distracted by something...

i seem to harbor the belief that i can really DO something for a person who is undergoing a painful medical procedure 6000 miles away by staying up until 6 a.m., drinking half a bottle of rum, smoking half a pack of cigarettes, and watching three hours of "family ties."

oh god, was i hungover today. whew. but i did drunkenly make my father breakfast at 5:30 a.m., and that was fun. hope he didn't notice the way i was slinging those eggs.

i have read three patricia cornwell novels in the past two weeks. two of them i have read in eight hours, taking the appropriate food and bathroom breaks.

also, today, i recognized my subway employee from seeing her picture in the local paper, and i introduced myself to her. i think she's really fun. she just moved to our town a year ago but somehow managed to be popular at my school. probably because she's impossibly cute and exotic (i.e., not from iowa).

bored bored. maybe will go to town after all.

today: TGIFriday's (i felt nostalgic. wish i hadn't. mediocre.) and "my big fat greek wedding" (*really* funny. go see.) and office depot (yawn).

last night: clubbing at the garden. much alcohol consumed. good time talking to allen, struan (scottish kid!), etc. went skinny-dipping at a park after hours. lake and stars and friends. happy. got home around 6 a.m.

really terrific night last night. initially sonyl and i were lethargic, but by the end of the evening we had closed down a bar and our group was still screaming at the DJ for some michael jackson....yes, we were the only customers....so allen sprinted to his apartment and back with "bad" on vinyl and we played it! and we danced! and it was really, really, really a good time. i decided to go home and just preserve the glow. also to get some sleep.

things with K are much better.

love love love.

having ladies over for dinner tonight. am usually so psyched for these little dinner parties, but about an hour ago, K and i had an instant-messenger-argument. he doesn't seem to want to spend any time communicating with me. he's there, i'm here, how fucking hard is it to spend some time writing an email or IMing? i understand that he's had a bad day, but the bad day was because he was having a crappy time at the pub and he would apparently rather have a crappy time at the pub and be two hours late to chat with me than skip the crappy time and go straight home. so i wait, all afternoon, on the internet, when i should be concentrating fully on cooking.

email was restored. must have been a small system glitch.

i was so happy, watching my TV and reading my books and making my food, and now i feel like serving people dinner and locking myself in my room to wallow, instead of eating with them. plus i've been drinking icelandic vodka and organic grapefruit soda, as if the exoticism somehow makes it better that i'm a bit drunk when my guests aren't even here yet. i even watched the second half of "the producers" and i *still* feel really upset. i try so hard, every day, to make this relationship amazing. and i don't know if it counts for anything.

been having fun here, going to ames and drinking with allen/sonyl/brad and assorted friends. too much fun, probably, i've had a hangover the last couple days, if that's possible. but i think allen can sort out my computer problems (mp3s etc.) which is good.

somehow i seem to have "lost" (aka "had deleted by happy hacker") all my email, and now life is sad. if you've written to me lately i don't have it anymore. but you can try again.

someone has posted "yellow" to my guestbook, to which i can only respond, "blue."

hmmm. people whose emails i have lost, and who should now write to my old kenyon address (which will be re-routed) and give me their new, non-kenyon addresses: jessica k., sylvia, and other people who want to.