an interesting weekend. i stayed with allen&co. and got to see lots and lots of people.

friday, my parents and grandmother and i went to see "welcome to mooseport," which made me laugh out loud, which is supposed to be the best medicine. right? after that, i went over to my friends' apartment. the evening worked out to be a night of gentle bar-hopping followed by mucho bailando. i spotted one of my former campers and a kid from my high school. i spent a really long time talking to the geekiest possible botanist about plant parts. danced my ass off with allen and ended up kissing some random cute boy. crashed out on the couch. drunk. but pleased.

saturday i watched movies and chatted with people and ate a vegetarian sausage/pepperoni pizza. i had to take a nap in the evening, which i usually don't like doing, but oh my god would i need it... matty_n and clint and i were trying to avoid a potentially dull party at the apartment, so we grabbed a beer at a new bar around midnight and then we were all going to clint's to sleep.

but when i got back to the 'drome the party was still going strong, and for once it was filled with good-looking people. so i stayed and talked to some random nice people and helped pick out some music. i ended up talking for a couple hours to this guy, um, "biff"....biff is very unusual to me. we share a love of food, and i think he's really smart. we also unfortunately share a love of drink. and we're both recently single. very recently. so. we ended up spending the night together. it ended up kind of weird, especially this morning when his sister came in to wake him up *blush* and then she found out it wasn't even my room we were in *blushushush*.

biff has got a lot of ideas i don't agree with, but he is probably the most driven person i've met in a long time, unless it's all just talk about the career and family he wants. he's a goal-setter, something i'm not really. so i don't know if i'll ever see him again, but we had a lot of fun just talking out on the fire escape and...whatnot. i'm pleased to report that i didn't drink an excessive amount saturday night, so i don't regret a thing. what a good feeling. i think i may look him up on the internet, just to say that i'm sorry i didn't get to say goodbye to him, and that i liked talking to him, and that maybe we can go out sometime. i hope that won't make me creepy. i obviously have no idea what i'm doing. i just want to meet some new people and go places and do things. K never wants/wanted to do anything but sit in the pub and it drives/drove me crazy. god, i hate not knowing which tense to use.

anyway, today i had a delicious thai lunch with matty and now i am home and soooooooo tired. i didn't fall asleep until about seven this morning. and i got up at ten. ugh.

i am feeling much relieved. i told K that this is not a situation which is working out for me, and he is okay with that and everything is okay. everything is on hold indefinitely while i start living my life again. i am excited and a little nervous about the prospect of having actual dates with people instead of just having one date (or massive makeout session) followed by, say, a two-year relationship. or even a four-month relationship. that has been my modus operandi for my entire life. i don't know how to do anything else. scary! fun! whee! and K and i still love each other and neither of us seems to be overly hurt. so i think it's a good decision all around.

and anyway, i don't have time to worry about boys when i'm still trying to find a job. i am losing any semblance of focus: bank teller, pharmacy clerk, interior decorating...the jobs for which i am not qualified and yet for which i am applying are innumerable.

my dad went on anothe rmini-electronics binge. the last two nights i've spent trying in vain to help him install the surround sound. my parents keep telling me we have no money, but they keep buying things like this every so often, so i'm not really sure where we stand. i know where i stand, which is almost broke and unemployed, yet fed and housed in comfort.

jenby, email me your password, unless i am of the ilk you are trying to keep out of your diary.
madame-x, email me your new address. i have a little....um...something for you. tee hee. it's even stolen. [cash value 10 cents]

oh, and i am going to "meetings." court-ordered. the last hurdle to me driving again and finally being able to do things i want to do. i've forgotten what it's like to just drive to des moines or decide to get groceries or see a movie by myself. and maybe i can stop turning down invitations because i have no transportation.

K had been missing since i posted last. gone for two weeks and no one knew where he had gone. i was tremendously worried, couldn't talk to my mom about it, and all i had was assorted pieces of third-hand transatlantic gossip. now he is back, from the place where he was, and he has news that will change his life forever. so. i guess he has given me an option, if i read the letter and our phone conversation correctly. the option to leave him with his full understanding of why. except, here's the thing, the reasons he has in mind wouldn't even be my actual reasons. he very rarely understands why i am upset about something. he has a real problem with listening. well, with communication in general.

i don't know what to do. i am unhappy with the relationship. but i love him. yet somehow loving him isn't enough to fix our relationship, or something. i haven't seen him since may. how the hell does he expect me to deal with that? what the fuck makes him so goddamned lazy that he can't come visit me here? i can't go there. i can't get a visa. i have no money anyway. bastard. fucking bastard. and taking off for two weeks and not telling me? i was so worried. so so worried.

to make matters more complicated, in my desparate search to find out what the hell was going on, i ended up calling frank. frank is the man who was friends with K and with me and who told me quite honestly that he wanted me. which i didn't take seriously, because who the hell is that honest? well, there was an incident with me and frank eventually. it nearly destroyed my relationship with K. i felt so guilty that i ended up putting myself in hospital with all that emotion. so, over a year later, K and frank are buddies again, i guess, although i have made a point of barely communicating...but i didn't know who else i could call. so. now i am getting emails from frank asking me to come back and...um...i guess stay with him. jesus. why is there no middle ground between NOTHING going on here at home and all-hell-constantly-breaking-loose over there?

what else has been going on....let's see.....

i have heard nothing about any of the jobs i've applied to.

my cousin who is a human rights activist, currently serving in baghdad, gave the sermon and a talk at my church yesterday. she really pissed off some blind patriots, but she really made other people stop and think. i hope people can see the difference between a pride in our freedom and a blind belief that everything we do is good. i mean, what a stupid concept. someone was born on the same land mass as you and therefore he is right? and will do right things? anyway, her sermon on the beatitudes was great. you've got to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable. after that, a big family dinner at my house. the pastor and his wife came over. thank god they are totally non-judgmental and laidback people, because they were stuck at the same table as my loud, shrill, vulgar cousin who monopolizes every conversation in a 10-foot radius. i tried my best to get other people talking, but she just talks over them. anyway. despite her bad habits, the rest of the afternoon was enjoyable. i played horsie and my four-yr-old niece was the jockey.

last night mike and BJ came over. we smoked (first time in a couple months for me) and watched cartoon network and a fantastic film, the boondock saints.

tonight i gave a 15-min. presentation on the university of oxford for my old-lady-sorority. one of them told me i was charming, which is nice to hear every now and then. and there was chocolate amaretto cheesecake. yum.

now i will watch TV and sleep.

i am really goofy lately. my current obsessions are the NY times crossword puzzle--done every day by noon or i receive no food. no. not really. but i usually have it done by noon if i get the mail myself. i time myself some days. and then if i can't sleep, i have a big book of 500 sunday puzzles. i've only finished 6 since i got the book in '99, but i'm picking up the slack... okay. other current obsessions: alton brown. i've moved beyond laughing hysterically at his cultural refences to scrutinizing each episode, waiting for him to make a cute face of some sort. i even read his blog. british murder-mysteries, especially wire in the blood, with the tall, thin, and tortured robson green starring. yum. and what else? i don't know. getting tired now.

and because i have almost no other human contact, i pester my parents continually. i poke them in the side of the face or flick their earlobes or any other annoying thing i can think of to do to them.

someone should give me some drugs or alcohol because i'm starting to go to bed at a reasonable hour nightly. what's next--waking up at a sensible time???

oh. and! at my old-lady-sorority club meeting last night, my second grade teacher (probably 80 years old by now) made a joke about the super bowl halftime show fiasco. wow. this is really big, isn't it? her joke was actually really funny. i was pleased.

that is all. good night. *off to curl up with my teddy bear and my crosswords, having watched my thursday night line up*

*including personal sex idols william petersen, noah/goran/mekhi, jon stewart, and alton*

*what, me, lonely?*