liking my job better.

still phoning with frank. he is wonderful. yet far too honest. how do i deal with not being the center of everyone's life?

it's called the "king baby" syndrome, or so i've heard--this ridiculous combination of beliefs i hold. i can somehow simultaneously believe that i am the most worthless person on earth and that i am the most important person on earth. that's why i get so upset when i don't get what i want. it only reinforces my belief that i am basically a piece of shit on the sidewalk. if i could only somehow grasp that i am simultaneously worthwhile and NOT the center of anyone's life but my own.......

anyway. still no fucking driver's license. paperwork beyond my control. i've done my part again and again. i've been nickel and dimed by all different authorities. i've hardly been anywhere on my own for seven months. i am near some kind of breaking point, i think.

last summer, when i began the summer, and during the summer, and at the end of the summer, i thought it was far too long. i thought i couldn't bear to be home any longer. and yeat here i am, locked in until september. god save me, because i can't afford to go off the rails again. yet, knowing me, that's probably what i'll do.

i miss K. and i hate K. and i am beginning to be able to separate those two feelings, which is good. but i want my things back. my greek and hebrew books, family photos, clothes, computer gear...all the things i left with him thinking i would be back in six months.

my life is smeared across the globe like a bug on a windshield and i can't even begin to remember half the things i own or where they are.

i miss my life in the UK. i miss my life last long long summer with cars and boys and working close to home.

too much too much. i should sleep for days. and it still wouldn't accomplish a thing.

shut up and work. that's all i can do. at least i like working. there's a meditative quality to it. when i realize i've been washing vinyl placemats for fifteen minutes and haven't thought a thing.....yeah. that's zen, maybe.

my new job. i am cooking at a nursing home. again.

well, it's a step up for two reasons, because it's not really a nursing home. it's an assisted living facility, so the residents are in better health, and i don't have to puree hot dogs at this place. also, there are only 60 people to serve instead of 200, so it's a lot less grueling in physical and mental terms. i only ever have three or four pots/pans to scrub and put away. and! they really cook. biscuits from scratch and all of that. i mean, sure there are convenience products, but less of them. and more real food.

it's a step down because i probably fit in even less than i did at the last place. for example, i have no children. even the 22-year-old dishwasher has two kids. another example is that i have all my teeth. and i don't use words like "clearification" or "flustrated."

time and again, living here at home, i am confronted with my ingrained class prejudices. i don't want to be that judgmental. i don't want to look down on people because they made bad choices or because their parents and grandparents made bad choices or just because their mom was a drunk who never took them to the dentist. it's not their fault, and i understand that.

and just as much as i am certain they wouldn't want me to think badly of them, i don't want them to think badly of me. i haven't yet told anyone what kind of an education i have, or that i'm going to grad school, or used to live in england. someone asked about my french cigarettes and i found myself having to explain the concept of "duty-free." i got some weird looks when i explained that those cigarettes meant i had been on an international flight. thank god no one asked me how recently or why i had been there.

anyway. it's not as much money as i need, but it's more than i'm making sitting on my ass at home. as much as i prefer the ass-sitting. :)

oh. what i was really going to talk about before i got on my high horse was the hygeine issue. there's a lady there with some serious finger-licking-while-working. and it has to stop. so i did the chickenshit thing and approached the boss about it. because i can't deal with that, or her coughing into her hand then touching some bread, or leaving meat on a counter with no foil or pan or anything under or over it. ew. so i'm going to be making some changes when i'm on my own next weekend. yeah. feel the heat of my furious cleanliness!

the manager at my local panera looks just like phil mitchell.

met a bunch of new people today so i feel really tired. i'm thinking about going to a lecture tonight but i half don't have the energy for another trip to town. why do i live so far from civilization?

last weekend i was, and actually still am to a lesser extent, feeling really down. this thing with K is eating away at me. i recognize how i deal with problems--at first, a blessedly numb state of shock followed by the jumble of emotions--so i'm not surprised that it's all hitting me now, but that doesn't make it much easier.

i wish i lived by myself again so that i had the space to feel what i want to feel. living with my parents (well, with my mom) means that i can't even let my emotions show unless i want her to try to talk to me and try to make me feel better, and i don't want anyone doing that. i want to do it on my own. i want to sit around unwashed and undressed eating ben and jerry's and drinking beer and watching stupid movies.

ha! that's actually a pretty funny mental picture. i wonder what my parents would do if they came home and i was sitting naked in front of the TV on our living room floor with a 40, a bong, and a pint of chubby hubby. i honestly can't picture their reaction. probably they'd tell me not to smoke in the house. and then they would tell me that they love me and are here for me no matter what.

yeah, being loved is such a burden. not. okay. now it's time for me to stop feeling sorry for myself.

oh, i think i have a job! that's a good thing.

for the first time since my sophomore year of college i'm not observing passover. i haven't been to a seder for three years now, and maybe the loneliness or the isolation gets to me, or maybe i'm just feeling totally removed from religious life at the moment. i also didn't go to church last night, or tonight, although my parents are there. i agreed to go to vigil tonight with my mom--just the two of us, for half an hour, alone in the sanctuary in the dark. i wonder what i'll pray for.

usually i pray for god to give me more motivation to do things myself. i'm not a big believer in praying for things to be given to me. i pray for strength, courage, humility, forgiveness, those kinds of things. i pray for me to be given the tools and the grace to do things myself, because that's what i believe prayer is for. the only selfish, deus-ex-machina prayers i pray are for protection for my home and my family and my loved ones, because safety is something i have little or no control over. floods and fires scare me. farm accidents scare me. travel, safe as it usually is, can frighten me quite a lot, given recent events and the always-present possibility of mechanical failure. but usually i just pray that i can have the courage and grace to make a better life for myself and those i love.

i went to chicago last weekend to check out the program that accepted me. it was a really nice weekend. mom and i drove over there. i slept for most of it. i hate falling asleep because i should be her eyes, but sometimes sleep overpowers me. friday i went to the uni and heard brief talks from profs, asked some questions, met people....very nice. i think i like the program a lot. and to be honest, i only applied to two schools and the other one would probably be bad for my mental health, so....

went to a little reception they had. tons of premium beer and liquor and wine. thai food catered in. lots of fun people to talk to. it was a good time and i got rather drunk, but not to an embarassing extent. one of my fellow students from my program in the UK was there, so there was shrieking and hugging and reminiscing. later, she and i and some people i didn't know very well went for pizza/burgers at the medici (hyde park institution) and we ended up sitting in the same booth as we did on that fateful classics department trip to chicago a few years ago, my junior year in college, when we deduced that a certain student and a certain professor were definitely.....um....getting it on? ah, memories.

went over to dave and jen's, chatted. back to the motel, slept.

saturday noon my mom, dave, jen, and i had a perfectly lovely lunch in greektown. my mom pointed out to me, in the car, that dave and jen really love me. and i know it's true. it's good to feel that way. and i think mom really enjoyed seeing how i interact with my friends, although i toned it down a bit for her benefit. it was all very nice.

we drove home then, going through absolutely gorgeous galena, IL on the way. wow.

so. a good weekend. and i probably have a job cooking in another nursing home. not my top choice, but it's taken two months to get this close and i can't afford to be picky.

must go make my (yeasted, totally not kosher for passover) mushroom tart now. and asparagus, and white wine. yay.