friday i went to a blues club with kids from school. met up with nate and a boy i met last october, someone i'd texted with a few times since then....the kind of thing where you keep someone in the back of your mind in case circumstances are ever different, you know? circumstances are different now. :) so we really hit it off, although i don't know if it will lead anywhere.

i guess i broke up with J. it was a tearful process. he left 13 (!) voicemails while i was at the blues club. all of them drunk and sad and accusing. the next morning i actually listened to all thirteen of them, crying the whole time. went for brunch with clint and talked about what to do. rode the bus home for an hour and thought about what to do. for all that thinking, called him with no idea of what to say. there was nothing conclusive in our words, but from the way he ended the conversation so abruptly i'm pretty sure that's it. i just wish there could be something in between....why can't he be flexible? it doesn't have to be lovey-boyfriend-girlfriend vs. never talking again. but i think that's the way he sees it. time will tell.

so, i got off the bus, showered, broke up with J, called my mom and sobbed, got dressed, and went to the ani difranco concert with three other kids from my program. it was great, but....i was exhausted and teary-eyed and we were approximately half a mile from the stage, mostly in a vertical direction. i'm not scared of heights normally but that really made me panic. the rows of seats were set at about 60 degrees, or that's how it felt. scary.

i still sometimes feel like i don't really fit in with the other kids. they're starting to talk about living together next year and everything....but i have to think more about work than about my social life at this point. especially since i've had two or three completely non-productive weekends in a row.

today at three o'clock i am going to get up in front of 40 people and talk about a book i haven't read yet. this is kind of a nightmare. i think i can pull it off, though...i have six hours between hebrew and my other class to read it.

just so you know how i've put myself into this situation...last week i was too busy with hebrew and new testament reading. friday i was lazy and took a nap. friday night there was a party. saturday i was worthless and my incipient cold was getting worse. saturday night there was another party. yesterday i wanted to die. and i used a whole box of kleenex. and yep, i basically had the worst cold and a pretty bad hangover and wanted to die. so i never bought this book, trying to save money, so i need to go to the library and pray no one gets it before me. the library doesn't open until 8:30 am. damn.

i was supposed to go into work today. it's the annual inventory. don't think i'll be able to donate any time. i didn't get to work yesterday when i was scheduled, either. cute-but-arrogant boy saved my ass.

that's it. i've had my two weeks of fun, now i have to get working on all the papers due in the next month.

those parties were really fun, though. :) everyone is getting to be close. there may even be some kind of drama going on....can't get a feel yet for what it is, but i have my suspicions.

a bartender keeps calling and asking me out, but i don't think it's going to work.

even though i am giving twice as much effort as i ever did as an undergrad, i still don't deserve the good grades i am getting.....don't tell me they're inflating shit here too.....

last night was the annual dinner for my program. so. much. fun. upon arriving, everyone got a label stuck on his or her back by the dean of students. the label had the name of a famous person, mostly in religious studies, historical or fictional. then other people would answer yes-or-no questions as to who was on your back. apparently the dean tried to pick someone out of the sphere of interest for each person--so my jewish/islamic studies friend got francis of assisi, and my history of christianity friend got moses maimonides. i got sigmund freud, which is ironic because i actually did portray freud for a project in middle school, so it wasn't that foreign to me. of course there was plenty of wine to make this venture more interesting. after dinner there was pictionary. but, like, intellectual-style. with clues such as "compassionate conservatism" and "ownership society." no, i don't know how that was supposed to work. but it did, eventually. our team probably came in last, but it was fun. afterward we were all going over to this girl's apartment, but i got separated from the group momentarily and went to the pub with some people....kind of weird....so then eventually we caught up with everyone else at the apartment for a festive after-party of drinking and petting the cat and dog. oy, i was there late. for some mysterious and happy reason, i am not hungover today.

so, what else has been going on...well, on campus i ran into an old friend from summer camp. i haven't seen her since i spent new year's eve at her house in iowa city my senior year of high school.

last week on tuesday i organized an incredibly fun group: one person from kenyon, one from iowa, one from my program, and nate and JC. total strangers eating dinner together at brewpub=good times aplenty! everyone got along so well. fun fun.

on saturday nate and JC came down here and we spent the day doing my favorite things: talking, looking at books, taking hours-long walks, smoking, going to the pub. i love them so much.

in other news, i am having crazy shit happening with boys. plural. last thursday we had a class get-together at the pub, which of course meant moving on to the bar afterwards, which somehow meant going to smoke at G's house. where i basically hit on the boy in my program i have a big crush on, in an obvious and entirely unsuccessful way. which somehow ended up with this other boy coming home with me. then, on saturday, i invited the boy i met new year's eve to come out to the bar with me, nate, and JC. and then he came home with us. ahem. then, on monday, frank called. voice from the past. he called again tuesday. and thursday. and he wants me to go somewhere with him, just like last march's trip to paris. so. how do i tell the sweet boy at home that i might not come home on spring break because i am going to brussels or amsterdam with another man? i have told J that i will see other people while i'm in chicago, but this is kind of different. because i missed frank more than i knew, and vice versa. i don't know. i'll have to think about it. a lot.