life right now is neither fun nor productive nor enjoyable. i think i should get a swift kick in the ass for being disappointed that life is neither fun nor etc., but it might break me.

how can so much shit happen to me? i don't understand. and i don't understand why i haven't broken down yet.

i need someone to hold me. i need K here with me. i have to confess that i actually had incredibly violent impulses towards the fucking bureaucrats (i.e. immigration officers) who are keeping me from going to him. incredibly strong urges to scream and punch and bite and pull hair. instead i comfort myself by wishing them as much pain, loneliness, anxiety, monetary loss, and sheer inconvenience as they have caused me.

and i know that j&d are probably getting really fucking tired of me sitting on their couch. so okay. for the first time in my admittedly privleged life i have to figure it out all on my own. how to find a place to live in a strange city, and how i'm going to pay for it all. and then i guess i'll have a little room of my own, where i can cry and drink and pray that someday this will all be a nice story about how i made the best out of a really fucked-up situation.

ha.

ha ha ha.

where to start.

i was going to write about jail. it was kind of like "girl, interrupted" but not as eventful. i read most of _rabbit,run_ and i watched some TV and played basketball and talked to my 6 fellow female inmates. they made me vegetarian food. the gideons came to minister unto us. the whole thing was okay, i guess. boring. what else would you expect?

the women i met were so very nice, it's hard to believe they stole cars and made meth. i was the only one there for such a short stay. they told me never ever to do the things they did. i wasn't planning on it, but it's nice of them to care.

then i flew to england. i was detained and questioned for eight hours. they sent me back.

yes. i was refused entry. so now i can't go back for a while. i am handling it surprisingly well--only one drunken sobbing self-pity party since it happened, and it's out of my system.

so i can't be in england and i can't really have any sort of life at home with no job and no car.

and i am running out of money FAST.

so i am staying with jen and dave in chicago and looking for a job.

their love and support has been so incredible. i am really lucky to have friends here, like mike_r and atool, and my cousins are out in the suburbs, and i think everything will be okay when i find a job. as soon as i get over these feelings of purposelessness. (i like sssss's)

so, for those of you who were wondering, there's the short factual version. all the insights and descriptions are gone from my head, it's been so fucking crazy and i can't even remember what day it is sometimes.

so tomorrow i go to jail for two days.

then i go to CHICAGO. if you are in chicago and you want to hang out, let me know.

it was going to be NYC but things got muddled.

then i go back the the UK for a while

hey, no driver's licence and no job, why stick around? get out of dodge, that's what i say.

so i'll report back on the whole jail experience in a couple of days.

meanwhile, if you happen to get the FUSE network on your cable package, please begin to stay up late at night and watch "behind the music that sucks" or that show where they do kung fu but speak all blaxploitation-like. it's good. offensive and terribly funny.