paris.

ah, paris. i arrived on sunday around noon. somehow managed to lose one of my bags, although it was gate-checked. went through the usual paperwork and got a taxi to the hotel, which was located on an obscure street in the 6th arrondissement. surveyed the room--not bad!!--and went downstairs to enquire as to where one could buy underwear, shoes, trousers, etc. on a sunday afternoon. nowhere, i was told. wondered briefly about finding that marks and spencer's i'd heard existed....i explained that i had lost my baggage. the woman behind the desk said she knew that, because it was already on its way. wow. that was fast. went and had an omelette for lunch, then a shower, then slept, because i hadn't done so on the plane. or for the few days before i left. because i was very very nervous. tried with some success to read before frank showed up. an irish lesbian novel. good stuff. waited. waited. had a beer from the mini-bar and was pondering more when....knock knock.

it took about five minutes for all my worries to be completely forgotten, and another five for both of our clothes to disappear. hmm. i was surprised at how familiar he was to me. best of all, we had champagne to celebrate what i'd found out just before leaving for the airport..........i was accepted to a graduate program at the university of chicago!!!!!!!!!

we had a lovely supper, although i could hardly eat for the happiness. although the chocolate tart with caramelized oranges was amazing. wine, coffee, calvados, and then to a sidewalk table for more wine. back at the hotel, we talked until 6 in the morning. i was so comfortable i forgot to be surprised until much later when recalling it.

a couple of hours of sleep, then hotel breakfast, then on the metro to the pere lachaise cemetary. frank thought the graves looked like stone phone boxes. i thought they looked like tim burton's idea of a suburb. and i don't mean the one in edward scissorhands. each gravesite is a tiny chapel, room enough for one mourner and four or five of your family post mortem. we saw balzac, bizet, and of course, jim morrison. i have a plea for all jim morrison fans who want to make this pilgrimage: if you want to graffitti something, do his grave. not the graves of those who were unlucky enough to be buried nearby! please! i feel sad for those families who have to deal with "lizard king" inscribed on their grandmother's tomb. anyway. we didn't see heloise and abelard, but we did see the site of the world champion's men's hairdresser. some french even i can read.

the best, though, was two adjacent sites, each inscribed "bra." just think about what that looks like for a second.

a beer for him and orangina for me, then back to the centre of town. looked for a specifice galerie where he wanted to buy a painting, but it was closed. had a gorgeous lunch of raw-milk camembert, a rather grapefruity bottle of white, and pain poilane (whole-grain, naturally risen bread). coffee and calvados. it started to hail, and our sun-drenched lunch turned into him putting ice chips into my calvados. we eventually gave up on sitting in it and walked to the metro station instead.

a nap at the hotel, somewhat. off to dinner. leek tart and warm goat cheese salad for me, salad with chicken livers and a leg of lamb for him. he had a dangerous-looking blue cheese and i had a creme brulee. back to the sidewalk cafe again.

tuesday we went to sleep and woke up late. breakfast. walked along the seine. coffee. up to the champs-elysees to buy perfume for my mother. i helped him pick out a gift for his 15-year-old daughter. down a much more exclusive shopping street: fendi, ferragamo, rykiel, frette, dior.....felt both poor and fat, and far too american. that's all right. all is well after chevre and cucumbers and an amazing bottle of red. i bought lunch for once. coffee and calvados.

we perused some antique shops near the louvre. he bought plates. yes, he collects plates. and he bought something else, this time for me. a ring, roman, the significance of which is almost too personal to be described here. i'll just say that it was a beautiful gesture and that it means so much to me.
a few pints at an irish pub to warm up--it had started raining again--and back to dress for dinner.

a bottle of nice red before dinner. then to a restaurant we'd both "discovered." the food was gorgeous. i had the bruschetta with fresh mozzarella and baby tomatos and a salad of (truly) wild arugula with parmesan and dates. he had scampi with mint and noodles, and a tuna steak with white beans. a bottle of sancerre and foccacia. but, to tell the truth, the wine and the no-sleep and the emotional pressure had all caught up with me, and i was a sobbing wreck. to be told that he preferred me dripping from nose and eye to smiling falsely was nice. reassuring. dessert was tarte au citron, which i could barely eat. then to the sidewalk cafe, but i was too worn out. shivering. shaking. so back to the hotel for a hot bath.

we stayed up all night and he had to catch a train at 6:30 am. i slept, deeply, until it was time for my breakfast and my plane home.

so. i think my feelings on this are pretty well sorted out. i feel immensely guilty for blanking him for so long. i ignored his emails. made sure he didn't come 'round the pub. came back here to the states and hardly gave him a thought, because i was convinced i was doing the right thing by being loyal to K. but if i had ever, for one minute, known how frank really is, i would have done differently. if i had known how much fun he is to talk to outside a pub atmosphere. if i had known that he likes to do the same things--films, museums, restaurants--as i do. this entire trip was easy, effortless fun. he is honest and twelve hundred times more patient than K. and best of all, i know he will never pressure me into a relationship. that's part of what the ring means. it means i get to make any decision.

i get to ask him if he wants to invite me anywhere again. i get to ask him if he wants to come visit me in the states. i get to ask him if he wants to be serious. it's all up to me. and it's a little bit strange that he knows kenneth, and that he isn't as angry about all of this as i am, but i think that if he were, he would just be saying it because i want to hear it. and the one thing i believe about frank is that he wouldn't say anything just because i want to hear it.

and that is a refreshing change.

---

so. i like him. a LOT. he likes me. a LOT. and that is a feeling of hope.

i am definitely going to graduate school, whether it be chicago or oxford, this fall. and that is a feeling of hope.

so my mood has improved tenfold.

and that, also, is a refreshing change.

oh, good lord, am i excited. i leave tomorrow. i wish i were staying for longer, but this will be the perfect break.

plus, yesterday i got to talk to sylvia on the phone for the first time in a couple years, which was great.

yay yay yay.

i said yes. i am going to paris, to meet frank, and we are going to spend four days together. eating, drinking, looking at art, and...well....i know what he wants to spend most of his time doing. and i'm not having it. but it will be so amazing to have a warm body beside me for the first time in a year. i could cry just thinking about it, the comfort of it.

you are asking yourself right now, "has she gone crazy?" yes, i have! there's nothing quite like spending two years loving and being loved by a man WHO IS A TOTAL FRAUD. everything i ever wrote about K in here was a lie. i didn't lie. he did.

everything he said to me, he said to a lady i'll call tiger. she's a nice lady. i thought i might hate anyone who stepped in between me and K, but she is a wonderful person and she's been as deceived as i have been. and she's my newest reader here at the old blogspot. so, the two of us have spent a good portion of the weekend comparing notes. wow. wow. and more wow. i didn't think i could hate with such a cold hate, but i do. i can't even be all that hurt or all that angry about what he did to me. i just despise him. and pity him, because he must have a psychological disorder far worse than i ever imagined in my odd moments of frustration.

what would it take for you to deceive someone? every day? in every way? to lie, with passion and purity, when they confronted you about the inconsistencies? to say identical things to two different people and expect they would both buy into it? what would it take for you to actually encourage someone to drink when she has a drinking problem; to feel alone and outraged when you know she has the habit of cutting herself? K is the worst thing that's happened to me yet, and he pretended to be saving me from all those bad things..... wow. hatred. cold and simple.

anyway, another big surprise is that the substance abuse meetings i'm required by law to attend are really good for me. not only good for me, but i like the people i meet there, a lot. and i am coming out. i really am. i am getting more assertive every day. and soon there will be no messing with me. not ever.

i'm glad i divested myself emotionally from K several weeks ago, or i would be in hell right now.

he lied. and lied. and lied. and i never questioned a thing. i have no spine.

when am i going to actually invest in myself? in my own life?

frank asked me to go to paris with him. i just might do that.

hmmm. wednesday tested the limits of "recovery" by hanging out with angel for the first time since october. what i learned: why am i friends with her? even her new roommate, someone i think of as a white trash lesbian fairy godmother of sorts, pointed out to me that this is a serious ill-match. well. am i feeling an uncomfortable class difference or is there a serious clash in personality? for obvious reasons i would prefer the latter explanation. i cannot believe how cavalier she is about all aspects of her life. it's not just that i'm conservative in sexual matters and she's...um....outgoing. it's everything. she seems to not plan, not care....and yet she has a job and doesn't live with her parents, so maybe i'm missing out on something here.

i heard back from K's ex-wife. she came to most of the same conclusions i came to. and now i do feel stupid.

that's all for today. i have to go cook squash.

tra la la. not much not much. had one job interview last friday, have another one wednesday. going to meetings twice a week. watching some TV but frankly rather bored with the old box. bleh. lifting weights with dedication; feeling the burn.

boooooooooooring. that's what things are at the moment. never heard back from biff. dropped my phone in the toilet, snapped off a connection trying to blow-dry it, got a much cuter phone. downside: since connection snapped off, can't get old phone numbers onto new phone. must wait for people to call me. that doesn't happen much.

just added 15 movies to my netflix queue. hope my parents like czech animation! ha! oh well. got a letter from a dear old friend today. that was nice. i have been making cards lately to send to people. i need more arty projects. i am going to make a purse. i need to get going on that decoupage i've been planning for years now but i need the right piece of furniture first. damn, i want my driver's license back. i mean, if i decide i want to go out right now and buy solvent and glue and black lacquer paint and chisels and maybe some polyurethane.....well.......tough shit.

i seriously doubt anyone else is interested in my stream-of-consciousness.