hi. i have been terminated. without explanation. from a job to which i devoted myself with passion and joy. no one knows why, except the HR director who fired me. my manager can't understand why, my co-workers can't understand why, my parents can't understand why, and i also have no earthly idea why. i put the nursing home residents first. always. i made the best food i could with the resources i was given. i was intelligent enough to understand the different types of special diets without special training. i called in sick only twice in over six months of work, i was never tardy, i didn't abuse break time, i never stole. a few pranks here and there, sure, and some loud music, but i made people happy every day at work. so i think it's a good idea i already have a lawyer on retainer, because i smell wrongful termination.

did i mention that bryon was fired, too? and that they needn't have bothered, because it was his last week there anyway?

so something is going on. something that was fueled by rumour and went straight to the top. when my direct supervisor never gave me a written or verbal warning, and had nothing but confidence in my ability to handle the kitchen and its employees by myself....well. i don't know who or what is behind it. but i will be okay.

i lost my job yesterday. i lose my driver's license tomorrow. i'm sure that i'll wreck my pickup truck and my dog will get run over and my wife will run away with the milkman. seriously, i'm living the country-western song lifestyle here.

you know what, though? except for the few tears i cried when the shock finally wore off, i'm okay. i really am. and i guess that strengthens my conviction that whatever is wrong with me is biochemical. i can have something minor happen to me and it makes me contemplate death...but disaster has certainly hit now, and all i can feel is that i'll work it out somehow.

i'm sure going to miss the people, though. my co-workers (90% of them were just outstanding people) and the residents...oh, the residents. so sweet, so interesting, just looking for a little company. the residents and my high school boys kept me going every day.

maybe god's trying to tell me to hurry the hell up and get out of here while i'm still able.

***

but you know what? friends are really good. friends who mysteriously send gifts designed to entertain me and make me laugh are the best. okay, i have NO idea who sent me the sweet valley saga book. but know this: in my second day of unemployment, i am halfway through the novel. in my first day of unemployment i picked up my stuff from work and confronted the smarmy guy who fired me (to no avail) and then spent the rest of the day drunk, then high, then sober, then blissfully asleep. but TODAY i have been immersed in recreational cooking and sweet valley yum.

also, friends who randomly send me beautiful emails are the best. and friends who sign my guestbook. and friends who remember me even though we haven't spoken in years. anytime i feel bad about myself i should remember that true friends never forget.

well, at work i have developed the strategy of having minimal, professional yet friendly contact with amy. the high school boys are terrific, of course, and i shall have them there all weekend. fun times. bryon called in sick today so i made a little more money as head cook than i would have at a lesser position i was planning to work.

now that i have found a terrific person to "see" while i am seeing other people (he likes indie/foreign films and we have a good time together but i'm not into him or anything the way i was with andy) i find myself suddenly split on the issue. missing K incredibly, and having lovely conversations with him. i feel confident now, but will i fall apart again when i get to england? (i could also wonder if i will fall apart again in three weeks, the way things seem to go.) i always just wonder if i would get along better with K if i had a stronger personality, or if i myself were stronger, or even if i simply had stronger faith in myself.

i seem to be making more friends at work now. casual friends, yet i have hung out with a couple of them once or twice. amy thinks i am devil spawn, i'm sure, when one girl comes to the kitchen to visit me. a. knows it probably has something to do with something that might possibly be illegal. in this country. ah well.

my court date was this week. i got the usual. fines and two evenings at her majesty's pleasure. ;) still in a muddle about the DOT end of things, but hopefully my brief can sort me out.

i have no idea why i used so much british slang in that last paragraph.

but i think i may go watch last saturday's "eastenders" so i can tape this week's tomorrow on the same tape. i don't keep them or anything. i'm not as obsessive as i used to be, say about "my so-called life" or "animaniacs." ahem. nerd power!

***

oh wait! i never said anything about the night i went out with amy for drinks. i had a couple drinks and sat around while she finished getting ready. we decided to kidnap bryon from work (they hadn't been getting along and i thought it might help) and take him to one of the small-town bars for a quick drink before he drove back to his home. (here begins the ghettofab adventure once again, wherever i had left off with it...) we had two quick drinks, then he left, then a. and i got bored and headed to our destination. the american legion. oh yeah.

bought our beer tickets, were not carded by these fine veterans (although we are both of age), and headed downstairs. listened to a mix tape or something playing while the DJ took a break and kept on drinkin'. it turned into a girltalk. rather emotional. she is almost embarrassingly honest with me. anyway, i did my drunken advice bit that i always do, and then while we were talking she spotted matt. from work. and from my high school. he is, in a word, gi-normous. so that's how come she could see him. anyway, i ran upstairs and tracked him down and hauled him back downstairs with us. giant matt and i had more drinks, as did amy, and we talked about high school. except that he is the most sensitive guy in the world, and i'm sort of angry about the whole thing and he really has gotten over it. i guess. so then we went upstairs. and we danced. and drank. and then suddenly i was Dancing with matt to this band playing covers of soul collective or one of those other bands with the word soul in its title, and there were little girls from high school and i hugged them and told them how beautiful they were and then i guess i met some people that a. thinks i should remember and then......um........i don't know.

i heard i was kicked out of the american legion, but no one knows for certain if this is true, and amy doesn't remember anything like that happening. until later.

so then we went to a kegger in someone's garage and i made friends and i couldn't point the beer nozzle in the right direction and then i met girls from work and we exclaimed and laughed and then two of my high school boys called me and i told them where the party was and i think i was still drinking and i have no idea what i may have talked about with them when they got there but i do remember falling flat on my ass for no reason, so then i went to get some water and i'm not sure. but then the girl whose house it was told me that i had to leave. so i did get kicked out of somewhere.

i guess she thought i was hitting on her husband. that's what i heard. the rest of it is all hearsay and only one other bad thing happened but i don't want to talk about it. then i was hungover for two days and right now i am still telling myself never again. well. anyway. that's the end of this chapter of my small-town adventure. the moral of the story is: don't drink with people from work.

for the first time since i started this job, nearly six months ago, i feel dissatisfied. actually, i feel pissed off and trapped. through a series of events (overheard bitchfests) and conversations (with my blond/perky/utterly boring workmate amy) i have discovered that everyone hates my music. a lot. that it actually offends some people. this, on top of those ugly rumours that were flying around about me and bryon--because men and women can't just be friends, right???--well, i've had it. i need to get out of here. i've been far too comfortable. and even the good friendships i've made are starting to fail as people begin school and get busier. bryon and i shall bond together the one day a week we both work, and the rest of the time i'll do what i've been doing. which is having absolutely no personality. if i make people that uncomfortable when i try to foster a fun, high-energy work environment, then i will stop. and it's all business now. i don't think i've smiled [at work] in two whole days.

okay, i have to tell you all what amy said about my music. especially you, tim, this is about the hefner "dead media," album, the one that's much more electronic, like "the hefner brain." she said it reminded her of "clowns killing people." she also said that a lot of my music reminds her of "pot-smoking and that kind of mood." i absolutely cannot stand her anymore. we've been really friendly lately, even going out for drinks two weekends ago, but now i can't deal with her anymore. she asks too many questions about my personal life. she thinks i'm unfixably weird and she's not afraid to say so. i might scream.

thank god i have today off work.

i think i need to return to the real world. this is not it.

***

in other news: saturday night two of my friends from high school came over. mike, whom i saw (and kissed, oops) in july, and BJ, whom i haven't seen in three or four years. we had a nice time. actually we got quite drunk, which was unfortunate since i had to go to work hungover. but i hereby resolve to spend more time with them. BJ brought over two DVDs: _amores perros_ and _killing zoe_.

a related rant about work: i was telling amy about the boys coming over, and she asked which movies they brought. when i told her, she wrinkled up her nose and said she was sorry she asked. i guess those movies have "that kind of mood."

bryon and i have so much freaking fun at work, it ought to be illegal. there are days when i end up all crampy and phlegmy from sustained laughter. i'm going to miss him when he leaves, more than i can say. it's been a long time since someone "got" my sense of humour like he does. damn. why does he have to have a family and responsibilities? he would make the best best friend in the world.

also, two of the kids at work i never really noticed before have turned out to be really chill, as well. kyle and steve and i are the new crew, the way andy and matt and i were the old crew.

ummm...not much else. my court date was postponed, so now i can spend mom's birthday with her instead of in front of a judge. and....hmmm.....K and i are really getting along (via e-mail) lately, which is nice. makes me much saner.

steve loves neil diamond. even though he hates all the music i really like, at least we can bond over cheese. he loves chicago, too. yay! we had a three-hour neil diamond party on saturday. surprised we both left work alive after inflicting that on everyone.

oh, and bryon and i made up a new word today: "flouching"--rhymes with "touching"--that not-at-all-casual brush of hands when two people are attracted to each other but are trying to suss out the situation before going any further. that brush of the hands that, when good, is electric.....when it's bad, it's just bad, and you recoil from the person flouching you. i have been flouched a few times lately. results inconclusive.